I never shop in department stores anymore. I used to. When I was young and beautiful I lived in department stores. But that was also when I had the time and inclination to shower on a regular basis and didn't wear yoga pants and sports bras everyday.
My point is that I needed new dishes, so I found myself in the housewares department with my mother trying to price out which would be the better buy:
The set of four
OR
The open stock.
The answer to that question, however, was pretty much irrelevant because there wasn't enough of the open stock dishware to complete the set. So, naturally, the question became of the three housewares associates that had descended upon us
Do you have any more of these lemongrass bowls or tangerine mugs in the back?
That apparently threw one of the ladies into a perfume-induced stupor and she disappeared.
The second lady donned a pith helmet and flashlight and went to search the storeroom.
The third lady just kept picking up the bowls and mugs that we did have, flipping them over, and then setting them back down again, which, if you've ever been in retail, you know, is nothing but a big, fat stall tactic because you really have no idea what to do or what to say and you don't want the customer to ask you any more questions or make you do something resembling anything so you stand there fiddling with the merchandise until someone else comes up with a better answer.
Don't ask me how I know that.
An hour and a half later, Pith Helmet returned with the devastating news that there were no more dishes to be had from the back.
Stall Tactic finally had her better answer and it was,
"Well, shoot."
My mother, in her infinite retail-experienced wisdom, suggested that perhaps Stall Tactic could check another store, and we could pick them up there.
This launched a massive computer frenzy during which both Pith Helmet and Stall Tactic were clicking and typing, fingers flying, brows furrowed, in a semi-hard effort to find our missing lemongrass bowls and tangerine mugs.
"I just can't see it. It won't let me see it."
"I'm not finding anything other option than the new color."
"I'm checking another site....No. It won't let me do it."
"Hmmmmmm....."
Now....I don't know. Maybe I'm old skool. Maybe I'm turquoise eyeliner and shoulder pads. Maybe all these kids today laugh when I try to keep it 100, but I was pretty sure that there was another way.
"Could you, maybe,
call another store and ask?"
"Oh! Yes! We could do that, couldn't we!?"
Kill me. Kill me now. Just stick this red hot poker right through my eye and end it.
So, Stall Tactic gets on the phone with the Lovely Drew from Store 4 and starts asking about lemongrass bowls and tangerine mugs. She even offered the stock number from an alternative set of bowls and mugs, just so the Lovely Drew would know exactly which ones to look for.
We waited while she went to look.
While we waited, we made peanut brittle, had our legs waxed, knitted a reindeer sweater and started french braiding each other's hair.
When the Lovely Drew returned to the phone the next day she was rather annoyed that Stall Tactic had asked about tangerine mugs, and then sent her in search of peacock mugs.
"No. Not peacock. That's the number I read you so you would know the style. We want tangerine.......Okay. We'll wait."
Then we changed the oil in our car.
Right about this time a perky, young couple came staggering up to the other side of the counter carrying two large cardboard boxes. My mother nudged me.
"Mmm...Wedding return," she whispered.
Stall Tactic turned to Perky 1 & 2 and told them to leave their boxes there and head over to the Bridal Consultants across the way, since they're the ones who handle returns.
Once we took the turkey out of the oven, my mother spoke again.
"It can't be this hard. I know where those dishes are in that store. She should just have to look up from where she's answered the phone to see if they have them. This is ridiculous."
While Stall Tactic apologized for the wait and considered the option of hanging up and redialing, Pith Helmet came back with Perky 1 & 2 to begin the wedding return. Boxes were being opened. Paper was flying out everywhere.
And suddenly, under my nose, were the lemongrass bowls we'd been looking for.
My head shot up in surprise as I looked at Pith Helmet holding them out to me. Perky 1 was on the other side of the counter unloading an
entire box of lemongrass and peacock dishware.
"Yeah, I had a Fiestaware Bridal Shower, and these just are not my color."
I cartwheeled around the cashier and hugged my new BFF and her reject lemongrass bowls.
Yeah!
Everyone was amazed.
"What are the chances?!"
But I knew exactly. And so did my mother.
There was a reason we couldn't find them on display.
There was a reason they weren't in the back.
There was a reason the Lovely Drew got the color wrong.
There was a reason the Lovely Drew took three days to look again.
That reason was Perky 1 and her awesome idea for a bridal shower.
Some might call that a coincidence.
We don't. We call that Woo Woo.
And when it happens at Macy's, we call it Woo Woo on the Dark Side.
