Is This Real?....No. It's Just Monday Night.

I heard a woman on TV last night ask a question that was, quite possibly, the dumbest thing I've ever heard asked in real life....except that it was on The Bachelor, which totally doesn't count as real life, but it's what was on after we finished our episode of Homeland on demand.

(which totally rocks the shiz, by the way....)

Bachelor Sean, after six weeks, had just gotten down on one knee and proposed to the lovely, albeit, slightly twitchy Catherine, while at the same time admitting that he still lights up when he thinks about another woman,

and she said,

"Is this real?"

and I started laughing because did she seriously just ask that?  But, then I realized that he wasn't answering her, which is the first sign that the roller coaster ride is over, the fireworks have stopped, and the host has walked away....

(when you stop answering each others questions)
(because you don't really care)
(because you're exhausted and just want 47 seconds of uninterrupted think time to yourself)
(if that wasn't clear....)

So, to help the poor girl out, I thought I'd give her a crash course in what I have learned are the realities of life so she can avoid such publicly televised embarrassments in the future.  Helping out is what I do:

A Woman's Guide To REAL and NOT REAL

by 

Me

Having a bathtub full of baby chicks and shooing the neighbor's pit bull off the top of your fence because the full grown chickens free ranging in your backyard look like a delightful mid-morning snack all to satisfy your beloved's latent, repressed desire to be a suburban farmer ~ REAL

Watching an elephant come walking through the trees to be your mode of transportation for the day and shrieking, "Oh my God, I'm so happy right now!" ~ NOT REAL
 
Allowing your son, who only .062 seconds earlier told you that his neck hurt, to throw up everything in his stomach onto your purple, velveteen couch because it's the better option than walking him down the hall to the bathroom while he yaks up lunch from three days ago ~ REAL

Accepting a diamond ring purchased for you by a TV show and thinking that it comes with any type of actual commitment ~ NOT REAL

Taking a shower, doing your hair, putting on some make-up and having your 6 year old say, "Good for you, Mom!  You haven't gotten pretty in a long time!" ~ REAL

Classifying, in any way, shape or form, the social interaction of 8 women and one guy as a date ~ NOT REAL

Having a slight crush on the mom who lives one block over from you and manages to walk her kids to school every morning in the full hair and make-up of a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model mixed with a granola bar, while you barely manage to stagger to the car wearing electric blue yoga pants and a faded, bleach stained, over-sized night shirt that says "Very Sexy" on the back that your husband bought you from Victoria's Secret when you were pregnant because he wanted you at least think you were sexy ~ REAL

Having center eyelashes that curl up to your eyebrow ~ NOT REAL

Wetting your pants every time you sneeze because your business end is totally stretched out from pushing two, watermelon sized human beings through it ~ REAL

Meeting a guy at any place called Proposal Point ~ NOT REAL

Living every day in fear that your husband will have a heart attack and die from the stress he incurs trying to run a business in an economy that has been for crap the last several years and knowing that if that actually ever happened, you'd be alone for the rest of your life except for your children whom you would never allow to leave you ever ~ REAL

Living every day in fear that the man you've known and lusted after for 6 days will ultimately choose the vampire chick over you ~ NOT REAL

Putting the kids in the car then running back into the house and closing the door so you and your beloved can have 10 quiet seconds alone together ~ REAL

Pulling a guy to the other side of the pool deck so you and he can have quality time alone while 25 other women watch you and curse you and send up silent prayers that your 47 layers of make-up will crack off your face and you'll be revealed as a two-headed turtle freak with nothing significant to offer to any man ever ~ NOT REAL

Drinking three glasses of wine in 52 minutes so you'll be just buzzed enough to pass out and maybe get some actual sleep before the freight train next to you starts rumbling and you just want to shove corks up his nose to stop the flow of air and shut him up ~ REAL

Riding barefoot, on an elephant, off into the Thailand sunset, while pinching every part of your new fiance's body, exclaiming "Is this knee really mine?  Is this shoulder really mine?" ~ NOT REAL 

Believing, after investing 18 monogamous years, that you have, with absolute certainty, found the love of your life, your best friend, and the person you'll spend forever with ~ REAL

Believing, after investing 42 days with a guy who has been simultaneously dating 25 other women, that you have found the love of your life, your best friend, and the person you'll spend forever with ~ So phenomenally NOT REAL I can't even begin to tell you how NOT REAL that is. 

I could go on and on, but, as my mother says,

Then I'd have to charge you,

and I've got enchiladas to make and freeze for the weekend, and dinner to get ready for tonight and kids to pick up from school, and DVDs to get in the mailbox so we'll have something good to watch on Saturday...

You know...real stuff.