My Art Is Me

I tend to over-think things.  Not everything, but some things.  Things I'm not sure about.  Things I can't decide on.  There's an old story about a couple on a date.  At the end of the evening he brings her home, she goes in and he drives away.  Then she spends the entire night analyzing every moment of the date.  Why did he do that?  What did he mean by that?  Is he going to call me?  What if he doesn't?  Should I call him?  Around and around until the first light of dawn when she collapses, mentally exhausted and emotionally spent.  He, on the other hand, goes home, turns on the TV, rips open a bag of Doritos and falls asleep on the couch.  Yeah.....over-thinking.  It's a problem.

I've been offered an opportunity and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I've been asked to consider hanging my work in a store....for sale.  They're calling it a "mini-gallery show", but come on.  It's not a gallery.  It's not a museum.  It's not an artistic exhibition.  It's a commercial venture in a store.  20 or so pieces on the wall for everyone to fall in love with , rave over and buy.  20 or so for them to walk by, roll their eyes at and move on.  Accept or reject.  Who knows?  But it's kind of freakin' me out.  

And once I get over the whole fear of rejection thing, there's composition to consider.  I started pulling together some of my favorite pieces, and.....it was really hard.  Not that it was hard to choose, but hard to say what would appeal to the general public.  That's a great portrait....of my kid.  A phenomenal action shot....of someone else's kid.  Cool color and light, but it's blurry......and in a bar.  Who's going to want that?  But, that's my art.  That's what I do.  Is that what you're asking me for?  Think, think, think......

Ansel Adams only photographed in black and white.  Do you know why?  Because he believed that photography was about form and light, and that the only way to truly see that was in black and white.  But the work he did for a paycheck was done in color.  It was the dawn of color film and the public wanted to see the rainbow.  So, for them he photographed in color, but for himself, for his art, he worked the way in which he believed.  He never compromised himself.  He knew who he was and what kind of art he wanted to produce.  And those black and white images are now ingrained as part of 20th century American culture. 

You see, I love that.  Not bending to what people want you to do, but staying true to who you are because that's who you are.  And I can say that because I don't necessarily do that.  It's really challenging for me to connect on a real level in situations that I'm new to.  Even familiar places and people are difficult for me.  I tend to give them what I think they want to see...and hear.  I'm famous in my own mind for pulling punches.  Not saying what I think.  Being gentle.  The person I think you want to know. 

So, now I've been given this opportunity and what's weighing on my mind?  That I don't want to compromise my art to make it more generic for the public.  I don't want to give them what I think they want to see.  I don't want to show off the beautiful sunset that everyone will love because I think the image of the sign written on the back of a car during a teacher's strike is far more powerful.  It's not just taking a picture.  It's making a statement.  A creative statement.  It's art, and I don't want to slight that for the sake of a dollar, or 60% of a dollar.  And you might argue that Ansel Adams did, in fact, do what people expected.  He took those color images.  But he was paid to do it.  If someone pays me, I'll take whatever they want.  It's why I do senior pictures and family portraits.  But it's not my art. 

I'm not saying that I've never taken an image that someone would love to purchase.  I have.  There are creative, artistic images in my folders that would appeal to the masses and I love them.  I would proudly frame them up and hang them on a wall anywhere, anytime.  But would I consider them to be the best of Double L Photography?  If someone said, "Show me what you do," would I pick those images?  Maybe.  A few. 

I used to go to the arts and crafts fair every summer.  I walked up and down the aisles of booths, artists showing off what they could do.  Mold clay, blow glass, paint pictures.  You know where I always stopped?   Yeah.  You know.  The photographers.  Their art spoke to me.  There was one guy who did these close up pictures of M&Ms and Lifesavers and chocolate chip cookies.  I loved it.  I owned several.  So, when I began working with my own camera, I tried that.  And you know what?  It was........boring.  It was like something my grandmother could have done.  What's special about that?  I want to be different.  I want to be eye-catching.  I want people to look at my work and say, "Wow....How does she do it?"  It's not that I want to stand out, it's that I don't want to blend in.

So, you might think at reading this diatribe that I've decided not to accept this wonderful opportunity that's come my way.  That's not true.  I haven't made a decision yet.  I'm still making my pro and con list.  I'll listen more to what they're looking for.  I'll see if the positives end up outweighing the negatives.   I'll see if I can handle the rejection.  I'll see if I can stand there and talk to people and maybe not be the person I think they want to meet.  Just be me.  Just show my art.  I don't know.  I can't say.   I know I'm over thinking this.  I know they're probably sitting over there in the store, having coffee, waiting to pitch an idea.  An idea I've pretty much already talked myself out of.   I know there's room to be an artist and produce sell-able work.  I know I don't have to compromise.  I'm over thinking this.  But, I'm going to have to keep turning it around for a while.  I might try ripping open a bag of Doritos.  It might help me figure it out. 

It's just so personal.....