Have you every had a conversation with someone that left you feeling kind of taken aback?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone that just plain irritated you?
Have you every had a conversation with someone that made you want to yell, "HEY! YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME!"
I've had all of those conversations recently and it's making me feel really crummy, because the other conversation that I've been having a lot of ends with me asking myself,
"Who are you trying to convince? You or me?"
You see, these irritating conversations that I've been having have not been with the same person, nor have they been about the same subject, but yet they're all coming up at the same time and producing the same result. So, in my every present quest to Oprah-fy my life and be as authentic with myself as possible at all times, I have to ask
What's the common denominator here?
And the answer is:
ME.
I reacted to something that someone said. I reacted probably more than I should have, and in doing so, I broke my number one rule:
Always remember that it's not about you. What other people bring to your interactions is about them. Don't take it personally.
And it's so hard to do that sometimes. Especially when you're faced with someone who's looking at you, talking to you, and calling you by name. But, it's not about you. I didn't remember that, and I turned what should have been a few harmless emails into cannon fire and nuclear explosions.
You're not going to tell me how to run my business!
You're not going to tell me where I can and can't take my children!
You're not going to tell me anything!
And now I feel.......well, to put it plainly, like crud. The two sides of my own brain are fighting back and forth. Each trying to convince the other that I was right to feel what I felt. To interpret the way that I did. But the truth of it is, that I just didn't want anyone else to have control. To have the power. To have the last word on the choices I make. My life. My children. My choice.
I took it personally. Big mistake.
The second mistake was acting on the emotion. I fired off a response, which I should never have done, and now I'm embarrassed. I don't know how to move forward with the repair. The best thing to do will simply be to say I'm sorry, remind them that it wasn't about them, and hope that they can forgive me as I try to forgive myself.
Some people will read this and think, "Gee, don't be so hard on yourself." I have to though, don't you think? If I'm not, who will be? If I don't hold up that mirror and force myself to see the reality of my decisions reflected back, who will? My mother taught me to do that. She still does it for me sometimes, but I'm learning to do it for myself. It's important not to bury my head in the sand and accept unacceptable behavior.
I don't accept it from other people, why should I accept it from myself?
I may not be able to undo the damage I've done with an apology, but I'll try. I know it will make me feel better. It will put to rest the fighting sides of my mind and bring peace to my heart. And for me, that's what it's about.
Sending peace and acceptance from my heart to yours,
Lisa
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