The Great Razor Clam Clean-Out of 2K12 {Illustrated Edition}

When last we met, my beloved had just informed me that it was going to be my job to clean out the razor clams that he dug up on the beach last weekend.  He decided that it was my job for three reasons:

1. He did all the hard stuff by digging them up so I should at least contribute something by cleaning them out.
2. If they were left in the bucket until he could finish cleaning them out later in the week they would die and the whole thing would be a waste.
3. He likes to irritate me.

Because you're my friends and I love you, I've decided to help you out by offering this advice:

If you're ever taken hostage by a demonic razor clam digger who forces you out of bed and makes you drive him to the beach while you're still sleeping without offering you any good coffee to drink and then inflicts upon you the mental anguish of cleaning out the slimy, squiggly, squirmy live creatures that he brings back, this is how you do it:

1.  Gather your supplies, which include multiple knives, tongs, cutting boards, baking sheets, bowls of varying sizes, and a pot of boiling water.
I would also advise you at this stage not to think about what you will be doing.  It can only hurt the ball club.

2.  Working in batches, use the tongs...

...to carefully drop each clam into the boiling water for a few seconds until the shells open.  At this point, they are dead.

I only do four at a time so the water doesn't cool down too much.  Also, it gets kind of cloudy in there once you get going and I don't want to loose track of what's happening and forget one in the bottom of the pot.

P.S.  If you happen to have a soft-hearted child who dares ask "Why are you hurting them?", simply push her out the nearest door and lock it.  Then repeat to yourself, "Clams do not have feelings.  Clams do not have feelings."  They are, however, helpful little guys who don't torment you with high-pitched squealing when they hit the water like their obnoxious friends, the lobsters.

3.  Once the shells open, pull the clams out of the pot, and drop the meat right into an ice water bath to stop the cooking process.

Be sure to save the shells on a baking sheet so you can show your hubby the new color scheme you've picked out for your bedroom.

"Purple?"
"It's beachy."
"It's girly."
"It's from nature."
"I'm not Donny Osmond."
"What's wrong with Donny Osmond?  Donny Osmond won 'Dancing with the Stars'.  He's the president of a little something called About Awesome."
"Whatever."

4.   Once you've de-shelled all the clams, move your work station to the cutting board and prepare to get your Chop-Master on.

It's also helpful here to have a second large bowl filled with water to put the clams in once they've been chopped, and and a smaller bowl for...well...another part of the process.

5.  Grab a clam

Don't be afraid of it.  Just stick your hand right in there and grab one of those suckers.   Be sure your hand looks wrinkly and like your grandmother's when you do it.

6.  Lay the clam on the cutting board and chop the neck off about half an inch up from the body.  Toss the neck into the smaller glass bowl.

We're saving those for later.  I'll tell you why in a bit.
Notice the baking sheet under the cutting board.  These little guys are just full of...water?  Juice?  Ocean googe?  I don't know, but if you don't have something to catch it on, it will just ooze all over your counter, and down the cabinets and into your shoes.  Trust me on this.

7.  Using a serrated knife, slice the clam open from stem to stern, also known as 'butterflying'.

Prince Charming likes to use a paring knife for this, but I found the edge of the serrated cuts through the little clammy tentacles better.  If you have any kids who are wigged out by octopus tentacles, now is a good time to hold up one of the clams really close to their face, jiggle it around a little and go "Oooooooooo" while they wretch and shriek and run out of the room.

It's kinda' fun.

8.  Rinse the clams one by one under running water to get to rid of all the inner goop.

You're not just holding them under water for a second and then done.  You really have to push and pull and rub and rinse and clean every little speck of sand and I don't know what out of them.

I don't have pictures for this step because it's really, pretty gross looking.  It's fleshy and flappy.  Stuff is squirting out.  Some of it's yellow.  Some of it's not.  In fact, the first time that I did it I told Prince Charming that I thought it looked kind of...

...and he said, "Gross?"

And I said, "Familiar."

And he laughed and laughed and said "Yeeeaaaahhhhh, baby!"

'Nough said.  Moving on.


9.  When you're done with the Georgia O'Keefe portion of the process, you'll have a plate of clams that looks like this.
Don't worry.  All of that liquid is supposed to be there.  It's what's left over from the rinse cycle and melds back with the clams to form the nectar, which is a vital part of the chowder, or sauce, or whatever clam thing you're going to make.

Don't they look pretty?

P.S.  This 9" pie plate of clams represents about half of our total take.  My point being that it's a lot of damn work to do this and when you're done just don't expect a big huge pile.  You'll be disappointed.

10.  Divide the clams into one quart freezer bags

I fill them about half way, then pour in the nectar.  Prince Charming says they freeze better with the nectar in the bags.  I totally don't think it makes a bit of difference, but sometimes I like to humor him, and as I said back in #9, it does help make your chowder uber-delish.

11.  Label the bags and pop them in the freezer.

Then you can pull them out whenever you need some for whatever yummy dish you're making that requires clams. 

Just an FYI, this amount is about what you'd need for a big pot of chowder.  Not like one of those little cups you get at Skipper's.  Like, a Sunday afternoon in the kitchen, while it's pouring down rain and your beloved has a roaring fire going and is kicked back watching a game.  I know you get me....

...but then while you're eating it you'll decide that there's not enough salt in it, mostly because you were afraid to over salt like you did that one time, and it's actually kind of bland.  So, Prince Ch...I mean, your...whoever...will decide that it might be great to add jalapenos to it.  Yeah.  That's it.  That's what it needs.  Some jalapeno....

...Great thinking, honey.

And what you'll be left with are two and a half quarts of too spicy, jalapeno clam chowder that only he will eat.

12. Remember those clam necks from before?  

Give them to your kid...Yeah.  The one who wanted to know why you were hurting them.  Hand her the bowl and say....

"I made you an after-school snack!"

Bahahahahahahaha!

Moms need to have fun, too, you know....

Fine. 

This is what you really do with them:

 It's a delicacy....

They fight over them....

...and yet another reason I don't eat the eggs.


At this point I recommend putting every utensil, bowl, board and tray that you used, touched, looked at or thought about during the cleaning process into the Whitest Whites cycle of whatever washing machine you have. 

Or just throw them away.

Or move.

And that's it!  You're done!  Clams cleaned.

If you have any questions about the process, feel free to hit me up.  I'm here for you.  I'll hold your hand through the entire thing.

Even the clammy one.

~Lisa